Balance, Everything

How do you forgive yourself when you fall?

I went running today and I fell.

One second I’m minding my own business, lip syncing to the Black Eyed Peas, the next second I’m in the air. And then I went down, hard. My toe must have clipped the tiniest edge on the sidewalk and I slammed onto the concrete. I slid on my hands to break my fall, so they were kinda scratched and my right knee was tore up. I picked myself up and stood there for a moment, then slowly walked around to assess the damage.

I realized I wasn’t bleeding, I was sore, but intact. I had a decision to make. Either I walk back home the .8 miles, or I continue and finish the 3 miles I set out to complete. I had a meeting coming up, so time was of the essence and I couldn’t take my sweet time with decision making.

I decided to run.

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As I was running I began to think, as I often do, and thought this fall seemed like it was super on par for what my life has been lately. I’ve made some decisions and put myself into situations I never would have in the past. Some of them have worked out, and others have not.

I saw red flags, but I didn’t trust my instincts. I just thought I was being optimistic and adventurous, but it turned out I wasn’t being cautious enough. Was I being naive? I don’t know. Should I have seen it coming ? I’ll never know. But I keep blaming myself and telling myself I should always go with my gut.

Unfortunately, decisions aren’t always that cut and dry. Timing plays a big part in why we do what we do, and why we put ourselves into certain situations.

And I never realized this about myself, but I punish myself way too much. I’m pretty quick to forgive others, but for some reason, I’m super hard on myself when I make a bad choice. And I need to stop. I need to allow myself the right to make mistakes, even when I ignore the flags, and I need to forgive myself and move on. I need to get back up and start running towards my goals, because that’s the only way to get past anything. And the only way I can start to heal.

Would I make the same choices all over again? Absolutely not. But that’s not the point is it? The point is, I’ve made some decisions, had some experiences, and now I’m picking myself up, dusting myself off and I’m going to keep running. I mean, I’m certainly not going to stop running because I may fall again, but I sure will remember why I fell in the first place.

Becky

 

 

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