I haven’t posted anything for a month. I wasn’t feeling motivated, and then my friend died, and I didn’t care.
Grief sucks. Losing people sucks. Losing an amazing person who didn’t deserve to go out in such an awful way SUCKS. Death sucks. Nobody knows how to deal with it really. We think we have an idea, but then death happens and we realize we don’t know shit.
The older we get, the harder it gets. We know more. Hear more. See more. Sometimes it makes me long for the times when someone passed away when I was a child, and no one really told me anything.
But most of the time I’m willing to listen to a friend’s grief because I know it will help her get through the horrible thing that is happening in her life. If I’m stronger than someone else I will be there to take it. I’ll take that awful story she has running in her mind, I’ll listen and hopefully some of it will pass from her to me. I can take it. It sucks, but I can take it.
Then when I am alone I will cry. The reality will hit me and I will sob. And then I’ll call and hear the voice of my friend who died because it is still on the outgoing message. My heart will stop. I will be happy sad. I will smile and cry at the same time. Happy to hear his voice, and so very sad that I won’t get to hear it again.
I will never hear his stories. His laugh. His wicked sense of humor. He’s gone, and I’m in pain. But he was in pain. Incredible pain, and he didn’t deserve it. And I’m so sorry he had to experience any of it. Now we have to take the pain for him. He deserves to be at peace, even if that means leaving us behind. He deserves to be rid of the pain forever.
And we will meet one day, and then I will hear his wonderful voice again. Until then I’ll be happy sad; smiling and crying, laughing and sobbing. Wishing things could have been different and knowing heaven got a really great guy.